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"On the banks of the rivers of New York, there we sat and there we cried as we remembered zion..." - The thoughts and theories of a returned yeshiva student after the "year".

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Location: New York, NY, Israel

Monday, January 01, 2007

Response to Anti-Semetism

My dear mother showed me this quite humorous letter and I'd like to share it.

Mr. Jews response to an Anti-Semite:

Its a free world, you dont have to like jews, but for those like you who dont like them, I might suggest that you boycott certain Jewish products like the Wasserman Test for syphilis, Digitalis discovered by Dr. Muslin, Insulin discovered by Dr. Minofsky, Chloralhydrate for convulsions discovered by Dr. Lisfreich, the Schick test for diphtheria, discovered by Dr. Zelman Waxman, the Polio pill by Dr. Albert Sabin, and the Polio Vaccine by Dr. Jonas Salk. Good Boycott!

Humanitarian consistency requires that all bigots like you accept syphilis, heart disease, diabetes, convulsions, diphtheria, infantile paralysis, and tuberculosis as a matter of principle.

You want to be mad, be mad; but I'm telling you now, you aint gonna feel good!

Sincerely,

Mr. Jew


Monday, August 28, 2006

Um, I was wrong, we're still here in case you haven't noticed. August 22nd was just a day like any other. I probably should've learned my history that messiah and apocalyptic predictions are usually wrong. Death to Ahmadinejad! (just felt like saying that)

Friday, August 18, 2006

Post-Yeshiva Analysis

Well I was thinking back on my yeshiva experience and I came up with a list of things that i gained from that experience:

-regained a certain appreciation for religous jewish music, mostly from a spiritual perspective.

-realized i have to start learning about judaism from an academic perspective. I seriously have to read up on documentry hypothesis and all that other kfiera.

-the value of free food

-appreciate the lack of annoying roomates

-mainstream religious zionism scares me


(to be continued)

Let the bickering commence..

In all seriousness though I am beginning to think that Israels leaders failed it at a serious juncture.
Olmert, Peretz and Halutz all have to go. The defense ministry has to go back to someone who knows defense and the prime minister's job should be in the hands of a leader. Its about time Ariel Sharon or some other old warrior gets up from his comatose status and regains the honor and fear that the IDF used to convey.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Some guy who wanted to set up a camp for palestinians is murdered in Jerusalem...by an arab terrorist with a knife.

poetic justice? a sad case of mistaken identity? you decide....

Thursday, August 10, 2006


This should help you keep track of how much time is left until the last caliph appears.
(Or the white donkey)

And in case you can't wait that long, heres a little metallica poetry to calm those nerves:

The Four horsemen

By the last breath of the fourth winds blow
Better raise your ears
The sound of hooves knocks at your door
Lock up your wife and children now
It's time to wield the blade
For now you have got some company

The Horsemen are drawing nearer
On the leather steeds they ride
They come to take your life
On through the dead of night
With the four Horsemen ride
or choose your fate and die

You have been dying since the day
You were born
You know it has all been planned
The quartet of deliverance rides
A sinner once a sinner twice
No need for confession now
Cause now you have got the fight of your life

The Horsemen are drawing nearer
On the leather steeds they ride
They have come to take your life
On through the dead of night
With the four Horsemen ride
or choose your fate and die

Time
has taken its toll on you
The lines that crack your face
Famine
Your body it has torn through
Withered in every place
Pestilence
For what you have had to endure
And what you have put others through
Death
Deliverance for you for sure
[Now there's] nothing you can do
[]
So gather round young warriors now
and saddle up your steeds
Killing scores with demon swords
Now is the death of doers of wrong
Swing the judgment hammer down
Safely inside armor blood guts and sweat

The Horsemen are drawing nearer
On the leather steeds they ride
They have come to take your life
On through the dead of night
With the four Horsemen ride
or choose your fate and die

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Finally, a somewhat hopeful article about the war from a European newspaper.

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/story.jsp?story=701886

August 22nd! Mark your calendars

Thats the date that G-d's servant, the nut job of Iran has set as the day he will show the US and the world his decision regarding his countries nuclear program. Now I'm not some loony toon skeptical about everything except my computer, but is really going to come to some serious decision that he hasn't come to yet on that date? In all seriousness people this guy is the Hitler of our time, or perhaps G-ds messenger to force the (insert name of G-ds real chosen people here) people to do teshuva.

My Plan

As for my own personal course of action I will attempt to hurl as many insults as possible at the white donkey rider in hopes that he will come and meet me face to face to secure his honor. I will then leave a few of my trusted compatriots hiding in the bushes and as soon as the white donkey rider has turned his back to them they will capture him for use as a bargaining chip with G-d for whatever we so desire. Of course our just and only demand will be that god send another true prophet to hail the melech ha-moshiach who will then defeat the enemies of G-d in that much awaited battle (hopefully ill choose the right side). Then after g-d has revealed his true presence through the messiah on earth we will release the original white donkey dude in good faith and retire to the bliss of the beis medrash.

Who said you can't learn something from Hezbullah?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Ok so sorry about that long hiatus, you see my dog ate my blogging material and so i needed about a week to come up with some new stuff. er uh kinda.

Well due to the naggings of Leo the T I've decided to post something about Tu B'av which is coming up this wednesday.

My question is why in all of my largely worthless Jewish education have I not learned a single thing about this magnificant day except from the blogosphere (well kinda). I suppose you'll say that it falls out during the summer and since we never had school then there was no time to learn about it. But lo and behold Tisha B'av is in the summer and through school, shul and camp I've managed to garner more than enough information about this very sad day.

So what about Tu'Bav? Do rabbis have something against meeting members of the opposite sex, probably. The response of course is to censor our knowledge of St. Valentines adventures with liberating those Beis Yaakovs (kinda).

Anyways I hereby declare the remainder of this week: Tu B'av Awareness Week. We must foster the fun back into judaism with lots of lustful coed events. Woohoo!